She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
All I want is dick and wine.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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