Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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