I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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