Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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