People in love make me want to vomit
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
