Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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