I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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