my mouth tastes like poor choices
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
