He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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