you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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