Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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