his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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