last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize