new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
