Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
