He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
