theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
