Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't turn off my feet"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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