Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
