the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
