I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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