i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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