I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize