if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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