she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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