why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
