Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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