Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
