He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
