It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
