I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
