I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
