put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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