I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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