Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
