If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
