It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
