you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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