Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
