seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
