Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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