You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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