I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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