I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
