i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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