i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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