I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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