I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
