i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
