My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
