You're my little dorito
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
