I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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