Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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