I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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