I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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