I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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