I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
