we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
