You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
