I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
