I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
